Miranda's Secret Diary
by Nisa Tunesque
Summary: Hey, evil shapeshifting schoolgirls have a life too, you know! Much OOCness, and a fair spot of randomness too. In her latest entry, Miranda and the Knights enjoy the seasonal weather, and Miranda muses on how to win the heart of the man of her dreams...
1. Entry 1: My new diary and new friends

Phew, what a day. 

So there I am, spending yet another boring day in those cells, with Prince Phobos in the cell below droning on and on and on about how he should be released because he's the rightful ruler of Meridian, and Cedric's just sat there making little googly-eyes at me like he always did... and then hey, whaddya know? I've been busted out by some old hag. Nice one! Okay, so the old hag has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, but anything's better than listening to Cedric composing yet another love song for me. What a jerk. I tell you, if he wasn't locked away in a different cell, I would've bitten him. Mind you, I'm kinda glad he was...

It turns out the old hag has a name - Nerissa. I've heard that name somewhere before... it's a type of flower, I think. I don't know. I never really paid attention. Elyon was the one for skipping around and staring at flowers all day, not me. I just tagged along 'cos Phobos was paying me to.

Boy, am I glad to be shot of her. Now I'm a proud member of the 'Knights of Vengeance', a rather spiffing gang dedicated to stomping on those Guardian types. Should be fun. First of all, there's Raythor - he's the only one who actually looks like a knight. Has a bit of a funny accent too. Then there's Frost. I don't like him much, he keeps staring at me. Probably thinks he's a lady's man who can score with anyone just because he has a bit of muscle on him. Of course, I wouldn't know anything about that - I'm too sweet and innocent to know about that sort of thing... no, really, I am. I tell ya, if he tries anything with me, he's in for a biting.

Then there's Tracker. Skeleton-type thing with muscles. Doesn't say much, he just comes up with the occasional one-liners like "The hunt has begun", "Our quarry is near" and "I just wuv that fwuffy widdle bunny-wabbit!". I must admit, I'm slightly puzzled by that last line, and a bit worried too. Oh, and he has a mangy dog who keeps leaving presents around the cave. Like hello, black sandals don't clean themselves, you know.

And then there's Gargoyle. Seems nice enough. I wish he wouldn't try and sing though - he only seems to know one tune. I've heard it somewhere before - it goes 'dah dah, dah dah, dadadada daaah, dah dah, dah dah, dah dah daaaah'. I can't stand it. I've only been here a couple of hours and that tune's already stuck in my head. Don't you just hate it when that happens? It's so annoying. I would ask him to stop, but I'm afraid he might sit on me.

And there's Sandpit. Doesn't say much, but I guess it's difficult when your vocal cords are made out of sand. I think he's been and had a bit too much caffeine, that guy never keeps still - he's always wooshing here, wooshing there, then wooshing back here again. It's hard to keep up.

And lastly, there's Nerissa herself. She has some pretty gnarly magic on her, but her dress sense leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, black potato-sack dress with a single silver glove? And the less said about her hair, the better. I'll see if I can give her some fashion tips - I think she's look rather smart in a dress like mine. Hey, we could be sisters!

So, what about this diary then? Well, I thought I'd better start a new one. That darn Princess, sorry Queen Elyon was always reading my old one. It was so embarrassing. One day, she went and told one of the maids that I had a crush on Vathek. Yeah, as if! All I said was that I saw a dress that was a nice shade of blue like him. Besides, I'm too sweet and inncocent to be dating rebels.

Ah well, better get some sleep. We've a busy schedule tomorrow - trash a village, trash a village, trash a farm, trash a village, lunch, trash a village, trash a village, afternoon tea, trash another village, quick shower, then dinner and a sing-song around the campfire. I'm not looking forward to the singing part. Mind you, I've got a great voice, I just don't know any songs. That bimbo Elyon said there's loads of music on Earth... I'll have to have a look next time we visit, sorry, invade.

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


	2. Entry 2: I hate Cedric

**Happy St David's day! For all who don't know, this is when we in this little part of the UK eat loads of Welsh Cakes and (for those who have children) send you kids in traditional Welsh clothing (either a rugby shirt for boys, or a traditional dress and funny hat for girls).**

**Special thanks to Damandav and Strayphoenix for reviewing this first entry. Glad you guys liked it - please R&R!**

**This week, everyone's favourite shapeshifter is having a few problems...**

* * *

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

There I was, making myself a nice big breakfast of sausages, baked beans, fried tomatoes, fried bread and fried Hoogong eggs - hey, breakfaast is the most important meal of the day, especially when you've got a busy day of creating havoc ahead of you. I tell you, Nerissa may be cool but she's one hell of a slave driver. We trashed ten villages yesterday. Ten! Can you believe it? I've never spat so much webbing in my entire life! It's fun, but I can't see how trashing a shedload of villages is going to help us conquer the universe.

Anyway, I was just sitting down to my breakfast when Raythor comes in holding a letter for me. I looked at the address on the envelope:

**Miranda  
c/o The Knights of Vengeance  
The Secret Cave Hideaway  
Meridian**

Puzzled, I opened it. There was a card inside. A hand-made one, and it was pink. PINK! Yuk! My least favourite of colours. It was decorated in hearts and had something about 'My Valentine' written on it. I've got no idea what a 'Valentine' is, and neither did the others - mind you, they're all a bit thick so that's hardly surprising. Nerissa would probably know, cos she's a bit smart.

I'm getting well curious, and so are the other guys cos they're all looking over my shoulder like a nosey bunch of whatsits. Well, except for Sandpit - he was too busy wooshing about the place as usual. He's a funny one, Sandpit - ever since Nerissa freed him from that pit, he's been making the most of his freedom, swooshing from here to there without a care in the world. It's kinda funny in a way, but bloody annoying too.

Anyway, the card. I opened it, and everyone immediately burst out laughing.

_Roses r red  
Vyolits r blue  
Youll never gess wot  
This snayk luvs you!_

Can you believe it? That idiot Cedric sent me a love card. A love card of all things! I feel sick. I wish the ground had just opened up and swallowed me right there and then. Or better yet, open up and swallow the others. Especially Frost, cos he gets on my nerves - I swear he winked at me the other day. I'd love to know how Cedric sent this card though - I don't remember there being a mail service in that prison. And as for his handwriting - you'd think someone who worked for ages in a bookshop would know how to spell. I tell you, if I ever get my claws on him, he's in for the biting of his life.

Thankfully, we didn't have so many villages to trash today. I don't think I could take much more of the guys teasing me. Raythor kept picking up snakes and worms and saying "Hey look Miranda, it's your boyfriend!" He was really annoying me - I mean, **really** annoying me... so I bit him. That'll teach him.

When we got back, Tracker insisted we do a spot of spring-cleaning. I don't see why I should have to do it though, cos he makes most of the mess, leaving empty sweet wrappers and drinks cans scattered around the cave. And he STILL not doing anything about that damn dog of his. I stepped in yet another of Tracker's 'presents' this afternooon. I decided enough was enough... so I bit him. That'll teach him.

Ah well, best get off to bed. I need my beauty sleep - I think Nerissa's got something special planned tomorrow, and I really want to look my cutest. I am a cutie, aren't I?

(No Frost, I wasn't asking you - jerk)

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


	3. Entry 3: Moustache!

**A special thanks to Meg, Lily's Turmoil, strayphoenix and Xakinera for their kind reviews. And, just like I said in the last chapter of my 'Day of the Ifrit' fanfic, a big No Thanks goes to the BBC for WITCH on hold halfway through season two - with any luck it'll just be for this week.**

**Meanwhile back in sunny Meridian, Miranda's still scribbling away in her brand new diary, and today we find out what really happened when she and Sandpit went to Earth...**

* * *

Wheee! What a fun day! 

It started off pretty normal - Raythor and Frost were fighting over who should have the last doughnut. It was rather funny actually - while they were busy, I snuck in and took it for myself. Hey, why should the grown-ups get all the goodies? Anyway, it was a chocloate one, and I love chocolate! Right then, Nerissa comes in and says "Right then lads, instead of the usual trashing villages malarky, who fancies going to Earth and making those Guardian types miserable?"

Earth! I've always wanted to go to Earth! That brat Smellyon was always talking about it, and it made me curious, so I jumped at the chance. So did Sandpit - he heard they had big sandy things called 'beaches' there. No-one else took any notice of Nerissa though - Raythor and Frost were still busy knocking seven shades of brown out of each other over the missing doughtnut (yummy!), Tracker was busy painting his toenails (he's a VERY strange one, he is), and Gargoyle was still in the shower, singing that tune very badly.

So, we arrived in the Guardian's home town, and I got straight to work on the first part of our mission - getting a disguise for Sandpit. I thought it might be a good idea cos I was getting some strange looks as we walked and swooshed down the street together. Mind you, finding some clothes was harder than I thought - I mean, what clothes can you get for a ten foot pile of living sand? We gave up after a while. To be honest, I think it wasn't such a big deal. For such a big city, the streets were surprisingly empty - I think Tracker mentioned that once when he was down here a while ago. No-one seemed to mind that Sandpit was swooshing around in broad daylight completely naked.

So then I went to the girls' school while Sandpit hung out at 'the playground', which for some reason had a big pile of sand in it. While I was at the school, I bumped into the leader of the Guardians. She is SOOOO wierd - she was talking to a clock! Cuckoo! Then one of her friends comes along and smacks me in the nose with a door! Perhaps I shouldn't have been standing right behind it, but seeing Miss Cuckooo talking to a clock made me laugh. I was about to bite that girl, but it seems she had told the Principal (which apparently is like the queen of the school) that Smellyon had gone missing and she had called the 'police' (whatever that is). Right then a fiendish little plan came into my pretty little head. Hee hee - cute and cunning! Am I wonderful or what?

So after telling the 'police' that the Guardians were actually a bunch of evil witches who torture puppies, I did the whole bad girl thing and skipped school and went shopping. Hey, I'm on holiday so it's only fair I get some presents for the others, right? I got some hair dye and make-up for Nerissa (she's always moaning about how hard it is to look glamourous AND conquer the universe at the same time), a pooper-scooper for Tracker, a big plastic karaoke microphone for Gargoyle, and a jumbo box of doughtnuts for Frost and Raythor.

As I was walking out of the shop door, a funny beeping noise started, erm, beeping, and some guy in a uniform comes up to me and says "Hey, you're gonna have to pay for those!"

So I said back to him "Me? Pay!? No way, I'm a Knight of Vengeance and we don't pay for anything!" And then I bit him... that'll teach him to put his grubby hands on me. I legged it round a corner into a alleyway, did the whoole transform-into-a-hairy-four-legged-spider-type-thing bit and scarpered up the wall before he could catch me.

Phew! All that exercise made me hungry, so I found Sandpit and went to a nice little restaurant for a bite to eat - the 'Silver Dragon' I think it was called. And you';ll never guess who came up to my table and gave me a menu. It was only the Air Guardian... erm... oh, what's her name? I can't remeber. I'm usually pretty useless with names. So anyway, she gave me a menu, but I had no idea what half the things were - I swear they just made the words up on the spot! In the end I just pointed at random at the menu - I chose something called a 'beef chow mein'.

Pretty safe choice. I mean, beef is cow-meat, right?

Wrong - it seems here on earth, 'beef' means 'bowl full of worms'!

I tell you, these Earth-Humans are crazy! Bloody good cooks, but crazy!

Then I remembered we had a mission, so I decided the best way to get the Guardians in trouble was to plant some evidence at the scene of the crime (mwah hah hah haaah!), and seeing as we're at the Air Guardian's place, that would be the best place to start, so Sandpit gave me a bunk-up to her bedroom window. You'll never guess what I saw? She was sitting in front of a mirror putting some white stuff on her top lip. How odd. _"Where have I seen that before?"_, I thought to myself. Then it came to me! It was bleach! She was bleaching her top lip! And that can only mean one thing...

She has a moustache!

The Air Guardian has a moustache!

She's only, like, thirteen years old... **AND SHE HAS A MOUSTACHE!!!**

Unfortunately, she had nothing worth nicking, so I went to their leader's place instead. Much better - the daft bint left a calculator lying on her windowsill, so I just had to snatch it and put it in Smellyon's basement. Sure enough the police found it and later on the Guardians were soon buzzing around the place. Me and Sandpit jumped them but they managed to beat us... but only because they cheated. After all, five on two's hardly fair, and it turns out the Air Guardian can turn invisible (**but with a moustache like hers, who can blame her?**).

So here we are, nice and comfy in our luxury cave hideaway. Nerissa's looking gorgeous with her new jet black hair and red lips (now we just need to work on her skin - so many wrinkles...). Frost and Raythor are pigging out on doughnuts, Gargoyle's still singing that one, but with a bit of an echo now, the cave's looking a bit cleaner thanks to Tracker FINALLY cleaning up after his dog, and Sandpit's happily playing with his new bucket and spade. He can turn himself into a pretty special sandcastle now. Wonderful.

Nighty night then, dear diary. Hee hee... moustache!

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


	4. Entry 4: Making Guardians cry is fun!

**Hello dear readers (and especially Meg, Strayphoenix, Xakinera and Lily'sturmoil, who are all lovely people who review stuff), and welcome to the latest entry into our shapeshifting friend's diary. Today, she decides to put her intimate knowledge of Hay Lin to good use, but she gets a bit more than she bargained for...**

* * *

Dear diary... you're never going to believe this but... I think I'm in love! I feel sick just writing that but... oh man. How am I supposed to be the Knights of Vengeance super-sweet bad girl if I'm in love? 

It all started earlier this afternoon. It had been another ordinary day for us when Raythor realised that we had just trashed our one hundreth village. Then he had a bit of a fight with Frost cos Frost called him a moron cos that was only our ninty-ninth. Mind you, I'm surprised Frost can even count up that far.

After Raythor had panned his head in, we went back to our super secret cave hideaway and told Nerissa the good news. That cheered her up no end. She'd been sulking all day but she wouldn't tell us. I've noticed she keeps a picture of some beardy bloke in her drawer - maybe that has something to do with it. Anyway, she suggested we should go out somewhere to celebrate and asked us if there was anywhere we'd like to go. Sandpit wanted to go to the beach with his bucket and spade. Tracker, being the spoilsport that he is, said he didn't want to go out because he had just painted his toenails. I really hope he was kidding.

Just when we had run out of ideas, I suddenly remembered that nice little restaurant me and Sandpit visited earlier. You know, the one where the Air Guardian lives. Everyone looked at me like I was a mad thing. Nerissa thought it would be too expensive (not to mention violent) but I told her I had something in mind. So we all got ready - Nerrisa put on her best dress (a black full-length number, in case you were wondering) with plenty of makeup and her hair fixed up nice - it looks okay but she needs to colour it again cos the white roots are starting to show.

I found my best green and gold dress - like the one I usually wear, but cleaner. Frost wanted me to put on some make-up just so I look extra cute, but I told him to get stuffed. I saved my biting for all that yummy food. Even the others made an effort, although Tracker seemed to be a bit over the top in his top hat and tails... and I don't think Sniffer was too happy with his pink bow neither. I tell you, Tracker REALLY worries me sometimes. Gargoyle didn't fancy coming though. He's not one for eating, mostly because he's made of rock. He decided to stay in and take a long hot bath in a nearby volcano instead.

When we arrived, we were welcomed by none other than the Air Guardian herself. Ooh, she was itching for a fight. She was saying something like "Oh, you're here for a fight are you? I could take you all on even without the others!"

When I'd finished laughing I calmly walked up to her and said "Oh, we're not here to fight. We're just here for a spot of dinner - and what's more, you're going to pay!"

"Me? Pay?"

"Uh huh. I think it would be a good idea. After all, it'd be a shame if your friends found out about..." and I pointed at my top lip and whistled. The others laughed. Her face turned bright red.

"H-how did you know about that?" she said. She was almost crying here - funniest thing I've seen in ages. A few minutes later, after she finished blubbing like a little baby, she showed us to the best table and got us all big dishes of whatever it was we wanted. Halfway through the meal, Frost decided he was getting bored and told the Air Guardian to sing a little song for us.

She said "No way fatso!"

Frost pointed at his top lip and whistled... and she started crying again.

When she finished her little song, which sounded like a cat screeching its nails down a blackboard, we all cheered and laughed, and the Air Guardian's grandmother came up to us and asked us what we were doing there. Nerissa explained we were having a little celebration because we had just trashed our hundreth village. Then Frost started moaning that it was only ninety-nine, so Nerissa zapped him across the backside. While they were talking, I could see the other guardians behind her - it seems the silly little Air Guardian had gone and called them over. Man, they really are an ugly bunch - I'm much cuter than all of them together. It wouldn't surprise me if they all had moustaches.

After the meal, I decided to go to the little girl's room to freshen up - that sauce they put on their spare ribs was right lush (1) but it gets everywhere. And right when I was coming out, someone grabbed my hand and dragged over into a corner. I was just about to bite whoever it was when I saw who it was - it was that guy who's always hanging around Smellyon and the Earth Guardian. I can't remember his name, but boy do I remember his eyes. He was busy spouting off something about causing trouble and being thrown into a dungeon, but I wasn't taking any notice... I was liek ttoalyl lost in hmi, his eyes, hsi perfect hari, his lush mouht, those big muscly amrs (wow - just thinking about him makes my writing go wonky!). (2) I was going to mention something about the air guardian's moustache but for some reason it just slipped my mind... sigh.

So here we are, back at home, and I'm here lying on my bed in my best pyjamas with my full little stomach, and I just can't get him off my mind.

What do I do?

I'm the bad girl. I can't be going all soppy on everyone. They all need me to be a devious little beast...

...but on the other hand, screwing up the Earth Guardian's life would be fun! I wonder if I can make her cry, just like the Air Guardian.

Nighty night then, dear diary. And good night, my sweet whatsisface. Sigh...

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

* * *

**1. Lush: Luscious, gorgeous (can apply to either food or people - _his eyes were lush_). In the part of the UK where I come from, this can be preceeded by 'gurt' to make 'gurt lush' - very nice.**

**2. Yes, those spelling mistakes ARE deliberate! No, really, they are.**


	5. Entry 5: Happy birthday Tracker!

**Here we are, entry number five of our favourite shapeshifter's scribllings on life, love and other stuff. Many thanks to Meg, z-nadna-zak, Estantia, Xakinera and lily'sturmoil for their reviews. C'mon, please keep them reviews coming! Everyone knows they're the lifeblood of the fanfic writer. Without them we'd all shrivel up and die! Okay, so that's a teeny-weensy exagerration. **

**Anyway, back to the diary - t****oday, Miranda has her cake and eats it...**

* * *

Ooooooh! My poor aching stomach! It feels like there's a million fluttery thingies fluttering around inside it. That's what happens when you combine a lot of cake and... sigh... **him**. 

Today was meant to be a special day. We've been preparing for it for ages, but without Tracker knowing. It was his birthday today. The other day I asked him how old he was. He said he was 21. I think he's lying. That's funny that is. I asked Raythor how old he was, and he said he was 21. I think he was lying. Then I asked Nerissa how old she was, and she said she was 21 as well. I think she was lying.

Hmmmm... I think they might ALL be lying.

Then I asked Gargoyle how old he was. He said he was 5. I'm not surprised he said that - he can only count up to 5 cos that's how many fingers he's got.

Anyway, we were organising a big party for Frost. I was in charge of the music. Trouble is, I can't play any instruments. I'm a brilliant singer though. Frost once said I had the voice of an angel. An **angel**?! How disgusting! They're all goody-goody and yuck! I've never bitten an angel, but they'd probably taste of clouds.

So, I decided to go to Earth to find some music. For some reason, I ended up in that town where the Guardians live. I always seem to end up there. Can't portals go anywhere else on Earth? I'll have to have a word with Nerissa about that. So anyway, I decided to go to the Water Guardians house. I heard some music, so I looked in the window and I could see her dancing and singing... well, trying to sing. The music was coming out of a black box and she was singing into some sort of little spikey thing with hairs coming out of it. It looked like a hairbrush, but it couldn't have been - normal people don't sing into hairbrushes. So I waited until her back was turned and then BAM! Webbed her up good and proper and stole her music box and her singy-spikey-hairy-thing. Result! Good job she left her bedroom window wide open.

Nerissa was well pleased. She said it would be good to let her hair down after the last couple of days. That's odd - I always thought she wore her hair down anyway. I've always wondered what she would look like with her hair tied up. She really needs to dye it again, it's half-white and half-black right now - she don't half look funny! She soon got the music box working again with a little bit of that lightning thing she does.

Gargoyle was busy decorating our super-secret cave hideaway. He's a natural - after all, he is a hundred foot tall. And then Raythor and Frost came in carrying the biggest cake I had ever seen! It was nearly as big as me, and almost as yummy-looking! They said they had got it from a cake shop in a nearby village, one we haven't trashed yet, by threatening the owner that they would sneeze all over his shop if they didn't get it for free! Sandpit was out with Tracker, making sure he didn't come home too early from walking his dog. We trusted Sandpit cos he was the least likely to tell Tracker our secret - after all, you can't talk with a mouth full of sand, can you?

Oh, you should've seen his face when he came in and we all leapt out shouting _"Surprise!"_. It was... well, exactly the same as it always is. I don't think that guy has any muscles in his face. I could tell he was happy though - he kept saying stuff like _"Aww, you guys!"_ and _"Oh man, I'm totally welling up here!"_. Big softy.

So we spent the next couple of hours partying down, dancing (or trying to dance) to the music that I so excellently borrowed (ahem ahem) and eating stupid amounts of cake and jelly (1) and ice cream (and I didn't even know they had ice cream on Meridian!). And then, just as we're laying all around the cave totally stuffed full, the Guardians came bursting in. The poor widdle Water Guardian - she'd been crying and had told her friends about what I did and they'd come to get her music box and singy-spikey-hairy-thing back. Tssch. No-one likes a tattle-tale, do they? I know I don't and neither do the others, but we were just too full to do anything about it.

_"Come on Nerissa, aren't you going to fight?"_ that girl with the horrible red hair shouted, all brave and heroic. But Nerrisa sat sat slumped on our old couch, patting her stomach and burping.

_"Nah, you go ahead and - urp! - you know. We're done here. Want some cake?"_

As they went to take it, I heard the Air Guardian say something like _"Man, this is too easy!"_

Me, Frost and Raythor looked at each other, giggled, pointed at our top lips and made that whistling sound. Oh yes, here come the waterworks! She still hasn't told them her secret! This is so much fun! She didn't think so though - she just conjured up a great big tornado and chucked us all around the cave. Poor old Tracker - he was in the corner crying his eyes out. Those nasty little Guardians. His party was totally ruined! There was jelly and ice cream all over the place, and Gargoyle's decorations got ripped off the walls too. And I could hear Raythor being sick somewhere else. I felt like standing up and telling all her friends about the whole moustache thing. But I still couldn't pick myself up though. My poor little girly-stomach was way too full.

And then... I saw... HIM, standing right over me, looking down at me all stern and hunky-like, so I stood up, gazed back into his eyes giving it the whole puppy-dog treatment, put my hands together in the cutest way possible and said _"Oh my love, I'm so glad you came to see me again!"_

Then I did something REALLY cunning and evil - before he could do anything else, I stood up on tiptoes, wrapped my arms around him and kissed him right on the lips... and in front of the Earth Guardian too! Oh, it felt like my lips were going to catch fire right there and then! They still feel all warm and tingly just thinking about it. And the look on her face! I can still hear her screaming as they walked out of the cave.

_"Caleb! How could you? I thought you loved me, not... not... HER!"_

_"But Cornelia, you've got it all wrong. Nothing's happened between us, ever!"_

_"Really? So what was all that about 'coming to see her again'?"_

_"I don't know. She's lying. That's the first time I've been to see her."_

_"Oh yes? Well that was quite a kiss she gave you for a first date! And I notice you didn't try to stop it neither!"_

Sigh.

So at last I know his name. Caleb. Ca... leb.

Sigh.

My heart makes a little dance just writing it down. Caleb...

Oh no, there goes my stomach again. I think I'm gonna be sick. But in a nice way.

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

PS - Hey Air Guardian, don't get so angry - try to keep a stiff upper lip! DAMMIT!!! Why can't I come up with these witty one-liners in the middle of a fight?!

* * *

**1. Jelly. It's what we call Jello in the UK.**


	6. Entry 6: The swimsuit edition

**Hi all. A big shout out goes to Meg, Marci, Zain and Stray, all lovely people who reviewed my last chapter. And an ultra-big shout out goes to Xakinera - it's her birthday (5th April!) so Happy Birthday Rhiannon! ****Today, the Knights of Vengeance take a little trip to the beach...**_**

* * *

**_

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING:  
The mental images conjured up by this diary entry could seriously damage your health.

* * *

Wheeeee! I got a suntan! I got a suntan!

Nothing much was happening these past couple of days. We decided to give the local villages a break from all the trashing - after all, how do you trash a village that's already been trashed? Nah, give 'em time to rebuild, then trash 'em again. It's much more fun that way, although I still don't see how it will help us conquer the universe. Are we gonna go to every world and threaten to trash all their villages until they give in?

Nerissa suggested we go to the seaside cos she wanted to work on her tan. She needs it. The sickly pale yellow look is so uncool. I shouild know, 'cos my skin skin sometimes liooks a little yellow. I wonder why that is? I asked her where is this seaside, cos there are no beaches in Meridian - well, not round here anyway. She said we were going to Earth. Apparently there's this really nice beach not far from where the Guardians live. She went there with Sandpit not long ago and made the Air Guardian cry AGAIN. Man, we're so cruel to her!

I asked Nerissa what we would do there. She said _"Oh all sorts - swimming in the sea, playing with the sand, maybe just sunbathing."_

Wow. Swimming in the sea! That sounds like fun! I've never been swimming in the sea before. There aren't many seas on Meridian - well, not round here anyway. But then I remembered something - I can't go swimming in this lovely dress I was wearing today - it was a lovely little green and gold number, kinda like the ones I always wear. _"Not to worry my dear"_ Nerissa said, then she held up this wierd little bit of clothing. I was shiny and black and shaped like a body. She said it was called a 'swimsuit' and I suggested I try it on, so I did.

I didn't like it. It was too tight and looked all silly and lumpy and it made my dress ride up all the way up my legs. I couldn't help noticing Raythor and Frost rolling on the floor cracking up with laughter, and even Nerissa was sniggering too. I dunno, ever since I kissed... sigh... Caleb, they've all been laughing at me, making all sorts of kissy sounds and stuff. It's not fair. I tried telling them I only did it to annoy the Earth Guardian, but they don't believe me. Anyway, Nerissa told me I'm not supposed to wear a dress with a swimsuit. My eyes nearly popped out of my head! Me, not wear a dress? I don't want anyone looking at my legs! Nerissa said if the guys bothered me, I had her permission to bite them. I don't need her permission, I'll bite them anyway, hard.

So then Nerissa did the whole foldy-thingy and took us to the beach. It's such a beautiful beach with beautiful golden sands and the weather was gorgeous, but for some strange reason there was nobody there. Funny how Earth is always deserted whenever we visit, isn't it? I wonder why that is.

Of course, I was looking uber-cute in my dressless swimsuit, although my little belly was sticking out a bit. It must've been all that cake I ate at Tracker's party. I'm still not comfortable about showing off my legs, even if they are cute like me.  
Frost was wearing a pair of tight leather shorts... perhaps a little TOO tight. That guy worries me sometimes.  
Raythor was wearing a pair of trousers cut off above the knee and a yellow shirt with pictures of bright orange flowers on it. He looked wierd, but kinda cool.  
Tracker wore something called a 'Speedo'. It was very disturbing - big muscly skeleton type thingys shouldn't wear things like that.  
Sandpit wore a really cunning disguise to hide the fact that he's made of sand - a hat. He spent the whole day whooshing around making sandcastles.  
Gargoyle wore nothing like he always does, and he just sat in the sea next to some rocks. Maybe he thought the rocks would be his friends or something.

And then Nerissa showed us what she was wearing. She did the whole magical glamour type thing and instead of her black dress, she was wearing something very strange indeed. It was two scraps of red fabric which barely hid her rude bits. She said it was called a 'bikini'. Oh, my poor little eyes! I didn't whether to laugh or cry. I thought it best not to do either, what with her being an ultra-powerful sorceress and all.

So once my poor little stomach and my poor little eyes had got over the shock of seeing Nerissa in a bikini, I decided to go swimming. Trouble is, I didn't know how to swim. Hey, I'm an evil schoolgirl-shapeshifting-spider-type-thingy; I don't do swimming, just the whole running, jumping, climbing up walls, talking in a funny voice, annoying the Guardians thing. Luckily, Frost is a good swimmer. I don't know how a fat lump like him could be a good swimmer. He says it's his muscles. Show off. Anyway, he showed me how to swim. He held me up in the water while I kicked my legs and swumg my arms about a bit. I soon got the hang of it. I was soon swimming like a, well, a girl who's just learned how to swim. It's tiring though, and it made my arms and legs ache. I guess I need more practice.

I needed a rest so I decided to join Nerissa for a spot of sunbathing. She was completely covered in sand. She kept asking the guys to put some funny-smelling cream on her back, but they all ran off. The only one left to do it was Sandpit, and he made a bit of a mess. Luckily I didn't need his help. I can reach my arms and legs very well on my own, thank you. So me and Nerissa just sat in sun for an hour or two, scoffing ice cream and chatting all sorts of girly chat. She asked me what the deal was with me and... sigh... Caleb. I started getting all breathless and sweaty, and I think I was blushing. Nerissa laughed and said something about me 'having her blessing'. What an odd thing to say. I wonder what she meant.

The main thing is, I got a suntan! My face, arms and legs are all lovely and light golden brown now. I bet I look even cuter than ever! I wonder if my sweet... sigh... Caleb likes girls with suntans? Ooooh, I can't wait to show him!

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


	7. Entry 7: Atchoooooo!

**Sorry it's taken so long, but Miranda's been a little busy lately and I haven't been able to read her diary in a while. A big shout out goes to Zain, Meg, Rhiannon, Stray, Hay Lin Rox, Nura and Rain on Roses for their reviews. I hope you've all got over the mental trauma of the last entry.**

**Today, our poor little Miranda's feeling a bit poorly...**

* * *

Oh dear, dear diary, I don't feel too good. I... I... ah... ah... ATCHOOOO!!! Oh great, now I've sneezed all over my nice new diary. How can I write stuff now it's covered in snot? You think human snot's bad? You've never seen cute-schoolgirl-giant-spider-type-thingy snot. 

It all started when we were attacking Smellyon's castle, cos Nerissa said she wanted to steal something from her. We were sneaking up through the tunnels, all nice and quiet. We all wanted to just go piling in and fight everyone, cos we're hard like that, but Nerissa wanted us to sneak in and distract everyone while she did her thing. So anyway, there we are tiptoeing away when all of a sudden a rat ran out past us. Cute little thing it was, all black and furry and cuddly, so I picked it up and hugged it. I was going to bite it - it's been a while since I've bitten something - but then for no reason, I sneezed. It was only a little sneeze, but in those tunnels it sounded as loud as one of Raythor's farts... and that's LOUD!

Quick as you like, the whole place is crawling with guards, and they're soon joined by the Guardians. Heh. Game on! I did my transform-into-a-spider-type-thing thing and prepared to kick some Guardian butt (Which isn't so difficult because their butts are so big! It true!) when I started sneezing again. I couldn't stop it, I was sneezing all over the place, and as I did so I was shooting webs all over the place too. Pretty soon I had all the castle guards trapped in webs, including most of the KOV posse.

It was just the Guardians left now, and as tried to get my sneezing under control, I saw something very strange - Frost took a camera out of his pocket and took a photo of the Air Guardian! I've always thought he was wierd, but why would he want a photo of that hairy little scrubber? (1) And more importantly, where did he get that camera from? Maybe he got it form our little trip to the seaside or something.

Trouble is I couldn't stop sneezing. Raythor was so angry at me. He was just about to cut the red-haired Guardian's head off when I sneezed on him and got him stuck to the wall. The boys were so busy to dodge my sneezes that they were beaten easily, and it was just me and Guardians. They had me backed into a corner and they were about to gang up on me when Nerissa appeared and duffed them all in. Nerissa's so cool. I wish I could do magic like her. Then she transported us back to our super secret cave hideout.

Man, the boys were so pissed off at me. They said it was my fault we got beaten, and its true. I felt so sad - well, I would've done if I wasn't still sneezing. I got webbing in Nerissa's new hairdo - she's experimenting with ponytails today. She looks very strange. She asked me why I was sneezing. I said I didn't know, it all started when that rat came along. Then when I had stopped sneezing, she made a dog appear from nowhere, and I started sneezing again. Then she tried a cat, and again I started sneezing. She shook her head and chuckled. She thinks I'm allergic to animal hairs.

Allergic to animal hairs? I can't believe it. You know what this means, don't you?

I, Miranda, sweet little bad girl of the Knights of Vengeance... am allergic to myself.

I ran away crying when she told me this cos the others started laughing at me. How am I supposed to win Caleb's (♥ sigh ♥) heart if I keep sneezing on him? I've lost him to that horrible little Earth Guardian forever, I just know I have. What am I going to do?

(sniff)

Oh, my nose... dammit, I've run out of tissues!

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

ATCHOOOO!

* * *

**1. Scrubber (UK slang) - a slut, a slag, a slapper.**


	8. Entry 8: EEEEK! GET OUT!

**And on we go to the eighth entry into the most un-secret secret diary on Meridan. As always, a big shout out goes to those lovely reviewers, namely Zain, Meg, Strayphoenix, Rhiannon, Marci, Jaime, and Dragon Raider. Please keep 'em coming, otherwise Gargoyle will sit on you!**

**Today, poor little Miranda's having some privacy issues...**

* * *

Dear diary, I have a confession to make - sometimes I really really REALLY hate Frost... and sometimes he just plain confuses me. 

This morning I was enjoying a nice hot bubble bath (Cool! I still can't believe we have running hot and cold water in our super secret cave hideaway... and a fitted bathroom too!). I was just laying there, soaking away and making funny little bubble horns on top of my head whilst thinking about my dear sweet Caleb (sigh) like I love doing when I'm taking a bath when of a sudden Frost comes barging in, farting like a tractor! We really must put a lock on the bathroom door.

I grabbed a towel as quick as I could and started yelling at him to get the hell out (Look at me! I'm swearing like an Earth girl! Ain't I naughty?!) but he just said he couldn't wait any longer. He then let rip with an enormous fart that echoed through the cave, sat down on the toilet (yes, we have a toilet in our super secret cave hideaway too! No peeing in the bushes for us!) and starts taking a dump right in front of me whilst reading the morning newspaper (Cool, we even get newspapers delivered to our super secret cave hideaway! I get Teen Shapeshifter magazine every week. It's about time they interviewed me. After all, I **am** famous ☺)

It wasn't long before my eyes started watering. No, it wasn't the sight of Frost on the khasi (I had my eyes shut. Honest!), but it was the smell. It's smelt worse than the time Tracker's dog decided to roll in a pile of Hoogong dung before jumping into a stagnant swamp. Frost said something about the curry Raythor cooked last night.

After an hour (well it seemed like it - it may as well have been) he finished and left me in peace. The dirty git, he didn't even use air freshener so I had to clamber out of the bath and have a quick spray around the room before I died. Then I got back in and carried on daydreaming about my Caleb (♥ sigh ♥). I wonder if he ever gets this problem at home. I bet Smellyon's bugging him all the time. It's so obvious she fancies him. So how can I steal him away from her and that Earth Guardian tramp?

Trouble is, my thoughts just wouldn't stay on Caleb's pretty little face. Everytime my daydreams got to a good part, I just kept seeing Frost on the toilet. Yuck! Talk about a mood-killer! How dare he disturb my quiet moments alone with him! So I got out, dried myself off and got dressed real quick (just in case anyone else was stupid enough to eat Raythor's curry - luckily, I stole some fish and chips (1) from the village) and marched off to Frost's room to give him an earful. And you'll never guess what I saw, dear diary? Frost was just sitting on his bed, making goo-goo eyes at photos of the Air Guardian and sighing, just like I do when I think of... sigh... Caleb. ♥♥♥

_"What on Meridian are you doing?"_ I shouted. He just blushed. That's right, Frost BLUSHED!! It's so obvious. Tee hee! Frost has a crush on the Air Guardian!

_"Look, don't tell anyone, okay?"_ he said.

_But why do you like her? She's got a moustache?"_

_"That's exactly why I like her"_ he said, giggling like some little kid.

Like I said, that guy is just plain WIERD. Can you imagine the stubble rash he'd get from kissing her? Yuck!! Then he asked me to help him ask her out on a date. I was about to tell him to get stuffed when a wicked little thought came to me. She probably still hasn't told her friends about her little facial hair problem. Maybe I can get her to arrange a double-date - her and Frost, and me and Caleb! Yep, I think a little bit of blackmail's in order here.

And I mustn't forget, Frost owes me big time for disturbing my bath! Mark my words you big idiot, I won't forget this.

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

* * *

**1. Chips. They're what we call Fries here in Britain, just so you know ☺**


	9. Entry 9: My fingers are all wrinkly

**It's been a VERY long time coming, but little Miranda's finally allowed me to take another look at her dairy. She (and me) says thanks to Rain on Roses, Dragon Raider X9, Zain, Strayphoenix, Meg, Lily's Turmoil, Hellzee, Xakinera, and Marci for their reviews.**

**Today, Miranda's having the double date from hell...**

* * *

Dear diary.

I know I've told you this before, but I'm going to tell you again - I hate Frost. I mean, I really REALLY hate him.

It was all going so well too. I'd blackmailed the Air Guardian into arranging a double date with me, her, Frost and Caleb (sigh), thanks to some rather sneaky photos I'd taken of her bleaching her moustache (that never fails to make me laugh - just think what would happen if she ran out of bleach. She'd be hairer than me!). I spent ages trying to decide what to wear - I ended up going for a nice dark green and gold number, kinda like I always wear. You can never have too many dark green and gold dresses, that's what I always say. Mind you, I like to keep a black dress and white blouse for special occasions, like when me and Sandpit visited the Guardians homeworld last time.

And as for my hair, well, being a shapeshifter sure has its advantages cos I can grow my hair to whatever length I want. After tripping over and hitting my bonce on my bedside table, I decided not to go for the ankle-length look like Nerissa does. Or is it Nerrisa? Or Nerrissa? I can never remember how to spell her name right. Daft old hag, why can't she have a cool name like, ooh, I dunno, Miranda? Nah, sod that, there can only be one Miranda in the KoV! Then I thought I make my hair blond (cos Caleb seems to like that - wierd guy) (1), but tied in ponytails and ribbons just to make me look über-cute! Then I changed my mind - cutesy-pie isn't the way to go cos I have a mean-girl rep to keep up. So I kept it straight and blond. I felt like such a bimbo, but if that's what it takes to make Caleb (sigh) fall in love with me (sigh again).

I didn't wear makeup cos unlike that scraggy Earth Guardian I don't need it. Just a little spot of flowery perfume and I was good to go... which is more than can be said for Frost. When I saw him standing at the front of the cave wearing a tuxedo that was about two sizes too small and carrying a sad-looking bunch of flowers (all flowers are sad if you ask me), I nearly pissed myself laughing!! And the less said about his aftershave, the better. Yuck. I think it was called 'Eau de Yak Urine' (2), or something like that. It certainly smelled like it. Still, at least he wasn't dressed in his usual hot-pants.

And so we went to dinner at the Air Guardians restaurant. The Air Guardian actually stuck to her word cos she was there waiting for us along with that lovely Caleb (sigh). He couldn't stop staring at me - I guess the blond hairdo worked? He looked so scrummy I felt like biting him right there and then. Just a little bite mind, nothing too life-threatening. I couldn't see them, but I could hear the other Guardians lurking around a corner. I bet the Earth Guardian was already getting well-jealous so I gave Caleb a little kiss on the cheek, just to say Hi. I was right - I could hear her growling! Maybe she's a shapeshifter too! I wonder what she turns into? Probably some hideous toad or something like that.

He wasn't very chatty though. He just kept looking at his watch, which is a thing you wear on your wrist to tell the time. I don't need to wear a thing on my wrist to tell the time, I just look at the sun - if it's shining, it's daytime, if it's not, it's night-time... or cloudy. Simple. These Earth types are funny little creatures, so obsess with time and stuff. Caleb should stop hanging around with them, seriously.

It was a bit tense at the dinner. Frost tried to break the tension by farting as loud as he could. It didn't work. He kept laughing loud, telling bad jokes and drinking lots of wine. Caleb and the Air Guardian looked very confused. I was embarrassed. This was my best shot at winning Caleb away from that horrible blond bint and he was ruining it. Then he went and started a food fight by flicking half a fortune cookie at Caleb. That's when it all kicked off. The other Guardians came in with Smellyon and attacked us. Frost is such a wimp, he ran away and left me to fight them on my own. It's not fair. I'm great, but they all ganged up on me.

And do you know what they did next? They made me do all the washing up to pay for all the food and stuff Frost ruined.

Me! Miranda! The Babe of Destruction! Doing the washing up!

It took hours. My hands are still all wrinkly from the water and my clothes all stank of cooking fat. And to cap it all off, the moment I walked back into the cave, Sandpit swooshed straight into me. Raythor said Sandpit's probably been drinking too much cola. That's bollocks. How could Sandpit drink? It doesn't matter. What matters is that I've still got a load of sand in my hair. I've washed it three times but there still some bits in there.

My head itches like crazy, and my poor heart is a little bit broken. Frost still hasn't showed his face. I tell you, when I get my hands on him, I'm gonna tear him a new one. I've got no idea what that means, but I heard one of the Guardians say it so it must be nasty.

Ah well. Me and Caleb might not be an item just yet, so I'll just have to come up with something deliciously evil to win his heart. Oh man, did I really write that?! Win his heart!? I sound like a ditzy little Earth girl. I really hope no-one's reading this.

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

* * *

**1. Thanks to Strayphoenix for giving me that idea. **

**2. Eau de Yak Urine. A great line, but unfortunately not mine. This product originally appeared in an episode of Red Dwarf, Series 5 - "Oh my god, my name's Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak-Urine.".**


	10. Entry 10: Whoopsie!

**After her major disappointment last time round, everyone's favourite shapeshifting schoolgirl spider-type-thingy has literally been bursting to tell us some good news... well, it's good news for HER anyway. As always, she (and me) says thanks to those luvverly reviewers out there, namely Meg, Rhiannon and Dragon Raider X9. Just you wait - one day she'll be more popular than those pesky Earthgirls.**

* * *

Dear diary. 

Isn't life funny? One minute it's kicking you in the butt, and the next it's kissing your arse.

I was taking a walk out in the mountains, trying to get my mind off that disaster of a double date last night. I'm still mad at Frost. I haven't seen him since. Maybe he's frightened of me. Well, I am pretty scary when I want to be - after all, I've got the shapeshifting-spider-type-thingy thing going on. Anyway, as I was walking, I found one of those random portals that seem to pop up around here, so I thought I'd take a look.

I ended up in that city where the Guardians live. It's funny how the portals around here end up in their city. I wonder why that is. I can never remember that city's name - I think it's Hamsterfood.

So there I am walking down the streets of Hamsterfood, which were all deserted like they always seem to be. You would've thought such a big city would be full of people, even first thing in the morning but no. Tracker once told me that when he went to Earth to fight the Guardians the streets were completely empty except for one place called a cinema even though he was trashing the place. I always thought Earthlings were violent and they enjoyed watching people fighting, but I guess they were kinda busy then. Maybe they were all washing their hair or something. I bet it doesn't look half as good as mine. I've gone back to my usual black now. I didn't really like going blonde. I felt stupid. Apparently blondes on Earth are stupid, really really stupid. That's what I heard anyway. I read it somewhere.

As I walking along minding my own business, I heard some shouting coming from a house. It looked kinda familiar so I went for a closer look. As it turned out, it was the Water Guardian's house, where I stole her music box from a couple of weeks ago. Through one of the windows, I could see the little brat running down the stairs following her mother who was carrying some sheets and putting them into a metal box thingy with a round window in the front. That wasn't very interesting, but what they said was.

_"But I didn't mean to!"_

_"I know you didn't, but you shouldn't have drank all that pop before you went to bed last night, now should you?"_

_"Mom, it wasn't my fault. Really!"_

_"I never said it was honey, but honestly Irma, you really shouldn't be wetting the bed at your age!"_

_"Yeah right Mom, broadcast it to the whole world, why don't you?"_

Oh, don't you worry your pretty little curls Water Guardian, **I **will. _(rubs hands together evilly)_

I do like it when dirty little secrets like this come out. I wonder how I can use it? Her family don't own a restaurant like the Air Guardian, so free grub's out of the question. Ah well, I'm sure I'll find a use for it.

Hee hee hee! I thought she was the Water Guardian - perhaps she should start by guarding her own water!

Now then, how can I leak the news to her friends? Ha! _Leak_ the news! Oh, I'm so funny, I think I'm gonna wet myself!

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


	11. Entry 11: I does whatever a spider can!

**Ever thought there's more to everyone's favourite shapeshifting schoolgirl spider type thing? Today, we find out she has far greater ambitions than anyone ever thought. **

**Even though she's evil and nasty, she still has time to say thanks to everyone who reviewed her diary last time round, namely Meg, Stray and Laura. Long may the reviews continue!**

* * *

Dear diary 

I should be famous. Yep, no two ways about it - I should be famous.

Me and the boys were feeling bored. Not much was happening. I thought we would've conquered half the universe by now but Nerissa's spending and more time fixing her hair. She needs to get her priorities straight. Anyway, we decided to head on down to Earth to have a bit of fun at the Water Guardian's place. Thanks to me finding out about her little bedwetting secret (my detective skills rule!), we've got her wrapped round our little fingers (except for Sandpit, who doesn't really have fingers).

We knocked on her door and she opened it wearing a big puffy pink dress with a lot of crumbs hanging out of the corner of her mouth. She looked ever so funny! Like a great big candy puffy thing. When she saw us she started shouting something, but we couldn't hear it because she had a mouthful of cake. Then a woman (who I guess was her mother) came up and asked her if we were her friends.

It just so happened that it was her birthday. Luckily we had a present for her, all wrapped up nice and so we gave it to her. She opened it and her face went red. We had given her a big bumper pack of nappies.

_"What the hell is this?"_ she said.

_"It's your birthday so we thought we'd pamper (1) you!"_ I said before I leant forward and whispered in her ear. _"Be extra nice to us Guardian - you wouldn't want your friends to know that you wet the bed, now would you?"_

Raythor then whispered to her _"If you make trouble for us, urine for a lot of trouble!"_

For some reason, she started getting even redder and looked a little bit sick. Her mother said our present was nice and let us in. Inside, the other guardians were there wearing some really horrible party dresses along with Mr Hunkalicious himself (aka Caleb - sigh) and that little green passling they hang around with, dressed up like a clown so her mother wouldn't guess he really was a stinky but tasty passling. Seeing him made me hungry - it's been ages since I ate fresh passling meat.

The Guardians all gave us a really dirty look, but the Water Guardian calmed them down. Oooh, I love blackmailing Guardians! It was fun when we just had the Air Guardian serving on us hand and foot, but having TWO Guardians under your belt? It's party time! Woo-hoo!

I told the Water Guardian _"Get me a drink - just some pop to wet my whistle. Don't worry, I'll leave you a bottle or two!"_

We all sniggered as she did as she was told like a good litte servant girl, getting me a drink while I looked at all the food on the table. It was full of jello and ice cream and chocolate and lots and lots of cake. How immature. That's kid's party food. I thought she was meant to be 13 years old or so. I guess she's just a little baby - it would explain the bedwetting. Still, the food was really tasty and we ate the lot. Oooh, my poor little belly's gonna get all podgy again! Sigh. I guess another diet's in order.

Then her mother said we were going out to a 'cinema' to watch a film, so we all left together. We got there and sat in a big dark room full of seats. I made sure I sat next to Caleb (sigh). He brought a big bucket full of something called popcorn. It was delicious. I kept taking loads from him. The Earth Guardian was also sat next to him, and she kept staring at me. I ignored her and big smoochy eyes at Caleb as I talked to him. I noticed he kept glancing over at me. I think he's starting to fancy me after all. I don't blame him - I was looking especially cute, like I always do. I kept 'accidently' brushing his leg whenever I took some of his food, just to keep him interested. The Earth Guardian kept elbowing him in the ribs whenever he looked at me. She's jealous!

And then the room went really dark and a big pair of curtains in front of us opened to show a big screen. In the middle of the screen, the name of the film came up and it was called 'Spiderman 3'.

Brilliant, cos I thought it was going to be a film about a shapeshifting man spider type thing! Unfortunately it wasn't, it was just some lame Earth Human dressed up in a funny costume. It was so unrealistic - I mean, he shot webs out of his hands! That's rubbish - everyone knows webs come out of your mouth (or your butt if your a real actual spider). And the webs weren't even real. He didn't even have real spider powers, it all looked so fake. Sandpit seemed impressed with the film though cos there was a guy made out of sand in it.

And then the thought hit me - we could make a proper film without any of the fake stuff. It'd look so amazing cos everything would be real! I can see it now...

_**SHAPESHIFTING SCHOOLGIRL SPIDER TYPE THING: THE MOVIE**  
In cinemas now!  
Starring:  
MIRANDA as SHAPESHIFTING SCHOOLGIRL SPIDER TYPE THING  
SANDPIT as SANDMAN  
CALEB as MIRANDA'S BOYFRIEND  
THE EARTH GUARDIAN as AN UGLY JEALOUS BLOND TART  
SOME DUMB EARTH HUMANS as SOME DUMB EARTH HUMANS_

How cool would that be? Of course there'd be sequels:

_**SHAPESHIFTING SCHOOLGIRL SPIDER TYPE THING 2  
**Shapeshifting Schoolgirl Spider Type Thing Conquers the Universe_

_**SHAPESHIFTING SCHOOLGIRL SPIDER TYPE THING 3**  
Shapeshifting Schoolgirl Spider Type Thing Saves Caleb from the Evil Jealous Witch  
and They Get Married and Have Lots of Little Shapeshifting Baby Spider Type Things_

Oh, my name was so meant to be in lights! I'll be cutest thing ever - if it really is possible for me to get any cuter - and everyone would adore me! Trouble is, we're all to busy conquering the universe to be doing films right now, so I guess filming will have to wait until we've actually conquered the universe. Until then, I'll just sleep... but not before I've rehearsed some of the love scenes in my head!

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥

* * *

**1. Just for anyone who doesn't know, Pampers are a brand of nappy (diaper) in the UK - you probably get them in the US too, but just to be sure...**


	12. Entry 12: Yellow writing

**_♪ Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? ♪  
♪ In Meridian, snow is glistening. ♪  
♪ A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, ♪  
♪ Walking in Miranda's wonderland! ♪_**

**Yes, it's that time of year again when children all over the world enjoy playing in shedloads of snow... except here in Cardiff where it hardly ever snows (grumble grumble).**

**Miranda (and me) says a great big thanks to Dragon RaiderX9 (for his, ahem, kind comments!), Meg (yes, poor Corny indeed), Stray (glad you approve of my MxC) and AJ (you're right, let's hope they DON'T start confiding!).**

* * *

Dear diary 

Brrrr, it's a wee bit chilly outside. Winter's finally come to Meridian. It's all gone a lovely shade of white. Mind you, white isn't really my favourite colour - black's much more my thing, just like the luvverly dark clouds hanging over the sky today.

It was snowing really hard today, so Nerissa let us take the day off conquering the universe so we could play in the snow. Tracker was having fun building a big snowman and then getting Sniffer to attack it and destroy it. Sometimes Tracker really grosses me out - Sniffer kept leaving leaving frozen presents in the snow, and I swear he was using them to make eyes for his snowmen. How immature. And I bet he didn't wash his hands neither.

Gargoyle was in a jokey mood - he just sat still for ages letting loads of snow fall onto his head and then shook his head just as Frost was walking by. He was totally buried! He wasn't too happy though - I guess it was something to do with him only wearing his usual shorts and vest combo. Honestly, that guy tries too hard to be macho. He jumped on Crimson and then charged right into Gargoyle's shin. It must've really hurt Gargoyle being kicked in the shin like that cos the poor thing burst out crying. Have you ever seen a giant stone monster type thing crying? It ain't a pretty sight. We had to cheer him up quick. Later we heard a nearby village had been totally flooded. Bugger. I was looking forward to trashing that village too. They had some great shops. Sometimes I hate really Frost. I'll give him the mother of all bitings later when he's least expecting it.

As for me, I was just sitting on a ledge wearing my favourite dress but with extra thick leggings so the cold air wouldn't keep rushing up inside my skirt, and also some nice warm gloves and a scarf that I spun for myself out of my own silk. Being a shapeshifting-schoolgirl-spider-type-thing really comes in handy sometimes! Maybe I could start my own business, making silky things. That could be cool.

Anyway I was just sat there, looking out over the winter landscape trying to think of a storyline for my new Shapeshifting-Schoolgirl-Spider-Type-Thing movie. I'm not getting very far at the moment. All I can think of at the moment is the big love scene between me and Caleb (sigh!). It's really good fun thinking about it, but I don't think it could be stretched out over an hour and a half. Don't get me wrong, I reckon I could keep kissing him for hours, but I don't know if Caleb (sigh!) could last that long!

Just as I was really getting into it, I heard a whole load of swearing and cursing coming out from behind a bush. I went over and Raythor walked past me muttering something like "Dammit! I almost finished but I ran out!". He looked really angry. I walked over to where he had been. There were big yellow letters in the snow. It said:

_ELYON IS A BIT_

Huh? Elyon is a bit what?

A bit annoying? Nah, she's a LOT annoying!

A bit ugly? Nah, she can break a mirror just by looking at it. Trust me, I've seen her do it.

A bit smelly? Nah, she's really smelly, and I mean really REALLY smelly. Did you know she turns her underwear inside out just she can go an extra day without washing it? Yuck! And to think she thinks she can snatch Caleb (sigh!) away from me AND the Earth Guardian!

It's so obvious she fancies him. I can tell by the way she looks at him. It's so pathetic. I wonder if the Earth Guardian knows Elyon fancies him? She gets so jealous whenever she sees him looking at me, so just imagine how she'd be with Smellyon. Heh, I reckon the two of them having a catfight would be funny! I'll have to arrange it, in the cruellest way possible. In fact, a wicked idea has just this second popped into my über-cute head. It's so wicked and evil, it's making me giggle! And just what is this wicked and evil idea? Well, I won't tell you yet dear diary, but let's just say Caleb (sigh!) is going to get the best birthday present possible!

There's something I don't understand though - what is it with ugly blond girls and Caleb (sigh!) anyway? I hate having competition. I hope he doesn't prefer blonds. I'll have to find a way of putting him off them. I suppose I could 'accidentally on purpose' let Elyon's underwear secret out. That's bound to put Caleb (sigh!) off her for ever, but what about the Earth Guardian? Apart from being an ugly little bunny boiler, I don't know any of her embarrassing secrets. I guess I'll have to do a little spying, just like I did for the Air and Water Guardians. Hmmmm... maybe they'll know something. They'll tell me what I need to know, if they know what's good for them.

So anyway, after a fun day of playing in the snow (and finding all sorts of funny little messages written in yellow writing), I'm sat here in our nice cosy warm cave, writing my diary and sipping on a nice hot mug of cocoa and munching on a lovely bit of toast and honey. Nerissa's so cool. How on Meridian did she manage to find a super secret cave hideaway with running hot water AND central heating AND a mains electricity supply? Amazing. Not even the royal castle has electricity!

Elyon sucks! Knights of Vengeance rule!

Nighty night then, dear diary.

Luv  
Miranda  
♥♥♥


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